To the world,
Fuck you. I love you
Why are your nights so beautiful? Why is there so much beauty in what you've hidden? Is it the stars above glimmering with promise or is it unseen? Is it the mystery your darkness holds that makes the darkness so clear?
My desires are in conflict. I am in conflict. I want ease and comfort, to sit in my bed and waste my time away, but I need more. I sit in the comfort of the familiar knowing I desire the unknown, knowing I need more. My heart aches, disappointment runs in my veins. My indecision has me captured, has me frozen. I hunger for more but struggle to eat. And so I'm in conflict.
I hate you.
All that remains of me are these fragments. Shards of the mirror that held my reflection pieces of me left scattered on the ground. The line between the man I was and the man I am is blurred. Everyone demanding change but refusing to do the same. These broken pieces make up me, every part of my being, every part I know.
There was a stillness in the air this morning. The dew sat solid, the air was crisp, biting my skin. The sky seemed to stretch further into the distance. I smelt small, and I could feel the gap between us. An insurmountable distance keeping everything away. The world has expanded and I am alone. A simple, beautiful alone
What defines me? What do people associate with me? My successes? My failures? My personality?
There’s a rage nursed deep within me. Covered under layers of pain the anger remains strong. It's unaimed now, unpointed, pure. The contempt now exists for the sake of contempt, its meaning and its drive lost. Still, this rage has meaning, even unpointed in nature. This rage is part of me, my drive, myself.
I fear freedom. I fear because I don't know it, because I don't think anyone does. How can a man know he's free, when a man can’t know himself?
I love you
I feel a weight on me. A crushing pressure sits on my shoulders, the heaviness of self, a stone I must carry with me for all my life. My own failures are too much. I think they are my own anyway.
Why must this moment pass? Why can't I sit here with your smiling eyes holding my own, for even a second longer? I want to feel this forever, and for a moment I think I can. The butterflies hold, your gaze lingers, my heart catches, but time must pass, and the moment fades. I wish it wouldn't. God, I wish it wouldn't.
I cried yesterday. Not for you, never again for you, but for myself. These selfish tears hung off my face as I gazed into the mirror, my reflection unable to hold my stare. All pathetic and bitter, I sat in the shower, washing my tears away, my cheeks turning red from the searing heat. But somewhere inside me I felt it. I was happy
Everything I am makes me everything i'm not
I don't know me. I never will. I think I'm okay with that. Change is coming deep within me though, I know that much. It's my change that makes me, that leaves a legacy behind. It's not my past that will define me, but how it changes me.
So there it is. My heart laid bare before you. Please do not turn your gaze away, look at me, know me, judge me.
.
Yours always,
Himself
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